A bit depressed

Some days, especially non-work days, I feel like my whole life revolves around food. Resisting eating it, hardcore wishing I could eat it, and just always waiting until I can have some.

Today I spent the day somewhat working on school and somewhat just lounging and looking at the computer, waiting to eat. I finally broke around 4pm, which is pretty good for not having work to distract me. I also had delicious leftovers waiting for me in the fridge, and I’d like to point out that once I ate them (and some mac and cheese)…I was full, yes. But not happy. Honestly, kind of depressed.

I had just spent all day waiting for food, and then when I ate I found out that the pasta I had been so looking forward to didn’t really fill me up, and the one small roll that I had was 200+ calories.

I finally understand what people refer to as “empty calories”. And it just really bummed me out.

Knowing that this is my life in one form or another, really bums me out. Sure, I could eat healthy and eat more often then I do now. But no matter what, my life is in one way or another going to somewhat revolve around food/at least be a big part of the food struggle. And I hate that. I wish I could just be one of those skinny people who don’t worry about it, or one of those fit people who work out and enjoy it, so its just something they’ve done all their lives. You know what I’ve done forever? Love ice cream and chillin.

Not running.

And I know I’m complaining, and that its going to take work but one day eating healthy will be normal to me and won’t require so much thought. And I’ll force myself to exercise until its somewhat normal. But I can still say that I hate the idea and resent that I can’t just press a button and be normal sized and healthy.

So if you ever feel like that, I hear you. And if you need a pick up, know that somewhere out there there’s me feeling the same way, knowing that tomorrow is a new day and that DAMNIT, attitude is a choice.

So here’s to choosing to have a good one.

But also wishing that right now I could drown my sadness in cheese fries and cookie dough ice cream.

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